Alison Holkar The husband was later found off Stephen "tWitch" is the boss'He died reading his journal.

"He was wrestling with a lot of things inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and deal with all these feelings because he didn't want to take it out on anyone because he loved everyone so much," Holkar, 36, said. said people Tuesday, January 7. "He didn't want other people to take his pain."

Holkar revealed that Bose had hinted at being sexually abused by a male figure during her childhood. "Reading Stephen's journals, even going back to the books he read and the things he highlighted and lined, really gave me a good perspective on where he was in life and the kinds of things he was struggling with," she told the outlet. It made me feel a lot of sympathy for her and sadness for all the pain she was enduring."

During the funeral preparations for the boss, Holkar too Discovers his secret drug addiction.

"I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out a dress for her for the funeral," Holkar said of the "cornucopia" of drugs, including mushrooms, pills and "other substances." To find the boss's shoebox hiding. "It was a really triggering moment for me because I discovered so many things in our closet that I didn't know existed."

Holkar found this "very alarming" but allowed him to do so Find clarity after boss passes.

"There was a lot that happened that I had no idea (about)," he continued. "It was a really scary moment in my life to find out, but it helped me process that she was going through so much and she was hiding so much, and there was definitely a lot of shame in that."

boss, Best known for his All-Star appearances on So You Think You Can Dance and as a regular DJ The Ellen DeGeneres ShowDied by suicide in December 2022 at the age of 40.

“It is with the heaviest of hearts that I have to share that my husband Stephen has left us. Stephen lit up every room he entered,” Holkar said in a statement at the time. “He valued family, friends and community above all else and leading with love and light meant everything to him. He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father and an inspiration to his fans.

He continued: "To say he left a legacy would be an understatement, and his positive impact will continue to be felt. I am sure that not a day will go by that we will not honor his memory. We want privacy for our three children. Stephen, we love you, we miss you and I will always save the last dance for you."

Holkar, who shared son Maddox, 8, and daughters Wesley, 16, and Jaya, 5, With Boss, her upcoming memoir "This Far" reflects on their nine-year marriage and her healing journey.

“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and what's been said, reading her journals … you realize that she went through a lot as a child and never faced it," she told PEOPLE. "It's hard to think that she ever opened up to anyone. Didn't open up and wanted to face it, go the other way. I really hope people who are dealing with the same thing help themselves out of the shadows and (know) you're going to be OK."

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text or chat to 988 988lifeline.org. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) national helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).