It's been a while since I felt this uncomfortable.
I had an empty afternoon last week and saw this Don't say anything bad (trailer here), a horror/thriller about a family who visits another couple they met on vacation.
AND impossiblynot everything goes as expected.
If you've seen it Episode "Dinner Party". Office where Jim and Pam go to Michael and John's house on most uncomfortable house party ever and I thought to myself…
“What if it was a 2-hour horror movie instead?”
…that's basically the plot Don't say anything bad.
This movie is based on the 2022 European film of the same name, so naturally I had to watch this one as well. And boy, this version was even grimmer and more shocking.
This film offers some truly insightful commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting...
But here's why Speak No Evil made me feel so uncomfortable:
The film asks the question: "How many of our own boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt anyone's feelings?"
I'm always joking how much people enjoy avoiding conflict I am, which means this video shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today's newsletter!
Feelings of guilt and over-commitment
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity) and my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopal faith was "like Catholicism, but without the guilt!"
So as children we went to the Episcopal church.
And I still managed to get it the whole fault of the Catholics!
I lean back to keep calm. I will do my best not to offend. I overcommit myself and put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don't know how to set healthy boundaries.
In short, I would NOT do well Don't say anything bad.
I used to think it was just a matter of me being nice, but I realized it was something else.
I have been disrespectful to myself and my own well-being!
Over the years, I have learned to set and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect yourself from others, but to protect yourself… from yourself.
I have a feeling there are a lot of people reading this newsletter who are people-pleasers, struggling with burnout, and feeling over-committed right now.
If that's you, then I have a truth that's hard to hear.
The solution to burnout is not yoga retreats
When we feel burnt out, too busy and overwhelmed, we think that the solution is a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: All we need is a massage, a "digital detox" or a retreat.
- Achievement: We just have to work harder at the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.
As pointed out by Anne-Helen Peterson I can't even: :
“Burnout is not cured by going on vacation. You're not going to solve this with life hacks like Inbox Zero, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or preparing a Sunday meal for the whole family, or keeping a bullet journal. You're not going to fix this by reading a book on how to "fuck off."
You're not going to fix it with a vacation, an adult coloring book, the "anxiety bake," the Pomodoro technique, or fucking overnight oats.
As I wrote in my essay on self-care problemsyou won't find the solution in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, or in a journal or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.
Boundaries protect against burnout
We people-pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and meeting the needs of others, with very little consideration for our own.
This usually leaves us feeling overcommitted, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially resentful that our generosity is taken for granted.
Problem?
It is not someone else's responsibility to set our boundaries.
Our task is to determine, explain and protect them.
And this is where the limits begin.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually consider our I need it too. Something I hadn't considered for a long time. I bet there are plenty of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who haven't taken their own needs into account as well long time.
This does not mean that we must suddenly become "I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTER", but rather it means that we must address the fact that our feelings and needs are important and we must take care of ourselves if we are also going to take care of others .
As Dr. Lakshmin points out in True self-care: :
“To practice true self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making a clear and deliberate choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.”
Here's your challenge for today:
Say NO to one thing that you currently say YES to out of obligation or guilt.
Set this boundary for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, it will require you to rely on the people around you, and you may even *GASP* potentially disappoint someone!
Especially if they're used to you saying "yes" all the time.
I assure you that their response is not your responsibility.
One final reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can't time travel, which means the only way to burn out is to put less stuff on your plate.
This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves… from ourselves.
I'd love to hear what boundary you set, so hit "Reply" and let me know!
-Steve
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Post Boundaries: a cure for burnout? appeared for the first time Fitness Nerds.
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